I can't even begin to express my astonishment and awe of God and how He works. This past year God has been molding me and refining my heart in a way that is so astounding and beautiful. Needless to say, the refining process has been painful; divorcing parents, broken relationships, discouragement. I began to seek acceptance and love from other areas as I veered from God. During that time I faced an identity crisis. Overbearing insecurities gripped my heart and controlled my mind. I continued to hold on so very tightly to certain relationships which I thought would ease the pain of losing my foundation. I felt feelings after being numb for so long and I thought that was a good thing..so I let myself go. I let my guard down and let my emotions loose. Red flags sprung up time and time again but I disregarded them still trying to control what I could.
Trying to morph into someone I wasn't, I continued to drift from God. And with each step I continued to take away from Him, his whisper of warning became louder and louder. "It's ok God, I'll be fine. I just want to see where this goes, I hear your warnings but I have this one under control." And with that I entangled myself more into a mess of emotions and desperation to be accepted. I continued to search for happiness and fulfillment in people and certain relationships. I gave parts of myself away hoping for some kind of validation or a reciprocated action. But when I never received the affirmation expected, I felt like a failure, not good enough, like I messed everything up. I let those feelings eat away at my heart and I let those voices keep telling me I was no good, that I really screwed everything up, that I didn't even know who I was anymore. And I believed them.
That's when He stepped in. "That's enough. You need to give Me everything your holding on to. Let's continue our journey." He silenced the voices and He is currently piecing my heart back together.
I'm learning now that through this trial, the Holy Spirit has been refining me and ridding my heart of the fifth I never knew was there. He needed me to see that in my weaknesses, He is strong.
God lets us have our freedom and lets us wander a bit from the path to experience things and during that time when we keep walking a little bit farther away, He's watching us, warning us that it's a dangerous place to be away from Him. He wants to protect us and spare us from heartache but He gives us experiences that will make us stronger people.
I want to encourage you that if your in a place of discouragement, ask God to break the chains that are holding you back from walking with Him, whether it stems from feelings of failure or if it's the weight of trying to control a situation and it's not working out. Remember that God sees the whole picture and that He has something amazing in store for you..better than anything you ever imagined.